writekaryn

It’s a beautiful spring day and I am inside.  The first day of spring actually.  It’s funny.  I’ve been feeling a little hard on myself.  I have been over eating and undersleeping…I feel like I should have my life more in order, and I am so hard on myself when I fail in these areas.  I so want to be flawless, to have a stunning body that I have nothing to be ashamed of, to be invincible, beyond criticism.  I want to be loved, and it is hard for me to love myself inspite of my imperfections, failures and struggles I am working on and growing in.  I want results fast, or I want to give up.  I don’t want to do the hard work of saying no to myself.  My thinking can get so negative.  And in between subtle or obvious attacks against myself, I take momentary pauses to encourage a friend.  He’s the son of someone close to me and has been going through a lot of hard stuff, a lot of personal failure from the past….he had a rough start and has had a tough time keeping it together.  But he is also absolutely amazing…talented, caring, intelligent…his heart has simply been wounded, and it is very hard for him to feel accepted by God.  I completely relate.  Next to him I look like I have it all together even though I deal with exactly the same things…just maybe not quite as much.  My times of praying for him and encouraging him get my mind off of myself and onto what I have to offer and it feels pretty good.  This is a big lesson for me…learning to not focus on the negative or to let my failure prevent me from expressing what is good.  Learning to love the imperfect me.  My boyfriend is excellent at not eating too much.  I get jealous of that.  I feel insecure like I have to live up to his standards.  I am grateful that we both don’t struggle with this area and that he is kind to me…my insecurities and feeling of expectation are my own, not because of anything he has done.  Sometimes I want to cry and curl up in a ball.  I feel so wounded inside when I am failing in this area.  I hate watching my tummy get bigger, and I hate thinking about when I used to be 125lbs when now I am 140.  I’m so scared no one will love me if I don’t have an impressive figure…sigh…John loves me for who I am.  But it is hard for me to not want to hide when I feel like a failure, hard for me to get my mind off of it…circling round my thoughts like vultures ready to pick me apart.  Ew, that was a nasty analogy.  At the same time I want to run to him because he is so safe and kind.  I wish my view of God were the same.  It is in part…but so often I hide from him, trying to be perfect, feeling a bit resentful when I believe that he has that kind of expectation of me.  Hah, I pray for my friend and tell him how accepted he is and can’t seem to do it for myself.  Maybe I’ll try anyway.  :)  Sigh, I need to get my perspective on straight..I am really a powerhouse and there is nothing I can’t do because of my tight connections with Jesus.  I am not repulsive or disgusting.  I am not rejected or a failure.  I am not controlled.  I am free.  I am loved and I am beautiful.  I need to hear that, I need to know that.  I am not trapped.

I was in my apartment and a familiar phrase came to mind, one I have uttered many, many times over the years: God, I want a boyfriend.  And then I remembered that I have one.  Finally.  And then I realized that not only do I have a boyfriend but that I have a really, really good boyfriend.

My boyfriend is a student and works to support himself and to pay for school.  And money is tight…so he doesn’t buy me tons and tons of stuff which makes him sad.  I know he wishes he could.  Despite what he can’t do, he does what he can.

My boyfriend is very responsive to my needs.  If I ask for something and he can do it, he will…right away.  He usually doesn’t tell me he’s going to do it.  He just does it.

If he doesn’t open a door for me or something like that, it’s because he forgets, not because he doesn’t want to.  He usually remembers.

He is interesting and entertaining.  He gets what I am talking about.  It’s easy to have fun.  It’s easy to be serious.  It’s easy to be spiritual.  It’s easy to do projects.  It’s easy to be lazy and do nothing.  We get along really well.

The worst problems have occurred in our relationship when I go looking for problems, think I see one, blow it out of proportion and overreact and then discover it wasn’t that big of a deal to begin with.

My boyfriend is honest and can handle honesty.

My boyfriend does not think I am fat, does not look for my flaws, accepts and loves me in spite of them, forgives me when I make mistakes, trusts me even when I don’t trust myself (he’s usually right) and doesn’t need perfection.

My boyfriend is very pure and values that I am as well.  He is very protective without controlling and has made our relationship a priority in his life.

He appreciates me and likes me for who I am.  Neither of us take each other for granted and neither of us have to work very hard to impress the other.  Our favorite things about each other are the things we practically can’t help.

I feel safe and at peace when I am with him.

My boyfriend is physically affectionate, which is very important to me, without being inappropriate.

I am his favorite person on earth.

My boyfriend loves Jesus more than me.

My boyfriend wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me..

My boyfriend is very affirming and reminds me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am often.  He does not starve me emotionally at all.

He is okay if sometimes we don’t feel as connected.  He loves me not only with his emotions but with his will.  If feelings aren’t as strong, they are still there below the surface and are not very hard to fan into flame.  We connect in so many ways that even if we aren’t all ooey gooey, we still enjoy great conversation, our senses of humor, doing things together.

My boyfriend is proud to be with me.  I am proud to be with him.

My boyfriend always wants to do the right thing, but he’s not a goody two shoes.  He’s just smart and doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder or anything to prove.

He is not sexist, apathetic or emasculated.  He is not threatened by my strength.  He values and appreciates it.

He shares his heart and mind and dreams with me.  He doesn’t push me away.

He takes care of his appearance.

He isn’t a pushover.

He isn’t stingy.  He doesn’t have a problem with overspending money.

He smells good.

He is the perfect height and his eyes radiate kindness.

He enjoys dancing with me.  A lot.  I don’t have to ask him.

He doesn’t run from honest communication or play typical relationship games.  He is kind and dependable and caring and genuine and strong.

My boyfriend has vision for his life and talent.

He likes my family and they like him as well.

He doesn’t refuse help or wise counsel.

He likes kids and animals.  He doesn’t collect cats.

He makes me laugh.

He’s handsome.

He loves spending time with me.

He is great at reassuring me.

He is a wonderful listener.

He thinks I am wise and values what I have to say.  He doesn’t jump to conclusions.  He doesn’t get angry or feel threatened easily.  He treats me like an equal and a valuable human being.

He doesn’t hog the limelight.  He doesn’t hide in the shadows.

He’s a good friend.

He genuinely, sincerely, consistently, deeply loves me.

No one is perfect.  But I have not met many people who I can trust like John.  He is a catch and a keeper.  My life is better with him than it was before.  It feels healthier, happier, stronger.  I feel like more of an adult and more beautiful.  I feel treasured not used.  He’s a prince.

Today we went to Jamba Juice after church.  The music was perky as usual and John and I were doing dumb dances and dumb faces…not like horribly obnoxious in the middle of the room, but a little at the register and a little sitting at the table.  He would sing with the songs.  It was pretty ridiculous and I started laughing so hard.  I am not sure if it was because it was so funny or so embarrassing…either way it was so much fun.  I loved it.  I love seeing new sides of him come out.  I called him this morning before he picked me up from church to let him know I was taking a fashion risk today and to warn him.  I wore dark gray calf-length cuffed trousers, a flowy gray shirt with 3/4 sleeves and a silver woven belt around it to sort of give definition to the waist.  I wore silver jewelry and silver/pewter shoes with bright silver socks.  It took some getting used to for me, but then I finally realized it was hot, wore it with confidence and he liked it.  I was feeling insecure a lot this morning and off and on the last few days.  I keep getting more and more aware of how handsome he is, and I start noticing my flaws more and more and it saps my confidence.  The message at church today was all about that, about valuing ourselves.  I might need to purchase it.  It was spoken by Larry Randolph.  I got really good prayer afterward which pretty much broke off the insecurity and I enjoyed my time with John a lot.  He is so loving to me.  I really value that about him.  We talked to Danny Silk, the marriage and family counselor/pastor at our church after service for a few moments and it scared me.  I sort of doubted he thought we had what it takes.  But I reconnected with God and felt his encouragement and approval and that helped a lot.  Last night I hung out with the Linnell’s, John’s dad Bruce and step mom Sandra and John’s two ten year old brothers and Sandra’s mother.  It was great.  We had Thai and laughed and hung out.  It was fun and casual and I enjoyed it a lot.  They seem pretty happy with me.  This is the first time their son has had a girlfriend, and I think they’re pretty happy for him.

Well I guess that’s it.  Just life and love and liberty and happiness.

I haven’t written a blog in awhile, at least not a serious one.  This is a quiet little space in the world, and I only get a few visitors.  I used to be regularly inspired by the writings of others and sort of got addicted to blogging, so I quit my other blog in favor for this one.  No inspiration, no writing.  Today I am inspired…by my boyfriend.  He writes.  That’s actually how we became friends which after awhile turned into something more.  I don’t know if one would call our story a fairy tale.  We met at the mall.  Later he found me on myspace and quietly but consistently pursued me for friendship for a year or two or somewhere in between.  I remember noticing, even though I had no interest in him, that he and I were very similar.  We had both at one point signed up for eharmony and were matched with each other.  We laughed, not taking it seriously.  But now everything has changed.  My head is spinning a little bit at the beauty of love.  Intensity, simplicity, purity, devotion.  I have a relationship I never dreamed humanly possible.  In fact, there are just too many coincidences for it to be anything other than divine.  How is it possible to find someone like him?  First of all, let me mention me.  I am a quirky kid.  I am funny and smart and spiritual and passionate about the arts, about understanding relationships and how people tick.  I am passionate about women becoming all that they can be without killing their hearts and femininity in the process.  I need high levels of honesty and communication.  I hate confrontation but will do it if needed.  Frequently.  I love to dance.  I love art.  I love music and musicians without being obsessive or overly talented in that area.  I am short.  I am beautiful, but not the in-style beauty of a supermodel.  I am picky.  I struggle with small things like weight issues and insecurity.  I’ve had a hard life in a lot of ways and have overcome much of it, making me strong and confident in the midst of the things I am uncertain about myself.  I am wary of men.  And this quiet man slowly moved toward me so as not to make me run, so as to only nominally arouse any suspicion.  In all honesty, I don’t think he knew what he was doing at times, didn’t realize he was pursuing me.  He was very unassuming.  He could write decently well…but somehow I barely took notice.  Funny.  And then after a time of growing comfortable with his existence, a small ray of light began to illuminate his soul.  First touching on a glimpse of his passion for the arts, making me realize there was more there than I had expected.  The edge of the paper caught flame and I felt the warmth of his kindness.  He was gentle with my faults, advised me that I was loved and that neither he nor God was looking for me to perform nor about to punish me if I should fail.  I peered more closely, my curiosity piqued by his quiet, gentle spirit hidden in such an masculine, almost aggressive-looking frame.  He began to tell me his dreams as if he were reading the script of my heart.  All along he had been right there, my ideal partner in crime, intent and passionate about the coals that burned in my soul.  We were twin fires.  I moved more quickly, asked more questions, invested more time.  Bit by bit, we unraveled our hearts, tested each other’s strength, searched out one another’s beauty of soul, expressed our fears and found comfort in the understanding and kindness we both seemed to share so readily.  And I fell in love.

How is it possible?  I never thought he would be one to dance.  Or to be as spiritual as he is.  Or as confident and strong.  He fights for me, gives to me, responds to my requests and the expression of my needs without sacrificing who he is.  He lets me dream, appreciates me, is not intimidated by my strength.  He is not sexist, he values children, doesn’t criticize my flaws, is wowed by the efforts I make to be beautiful for him.  He thinks I am beautiful even when I don’t.  He listens when I need to talk.  He holds my hand when I need a friend.  Understanding my value for purity, he is helping me save my first kiss for my wedding day…dare I say it…our wedding day.  He wants to marry me.

He loves me, more than I ever thought possible.  Of any man.  It feels like magic, it feels like Christmas, it feels like Cinderella soaring through a million stars.  And I close my eyes and softly smile, the thought of his love like a soft and sweetly scented pillow as I fall back awake into this dream.

He is perfect for me, treats me so well.  I have finally found love, and so has he, after a long time of waiting and wondering.  My most treasured hope for the future has finally become a reality.

for Valentine’s Day.  Because someone likes me.  We are still figuring things out but so far so good.  Sometimes very, very good.

Things have changed since my last post.  That guy and I hung out the next night and had a ton of fun.  We realized the reasons it wasn’t working weren’t valid and decided to keep getting to know each other.  There is a pretty high chance that he will read this, so I better watch what I say.  But yeah, for the first time in my life there is someone there who likes me who I also like…and it might work out.  I’m not sure, but if I didn’t see potential, then I wouldn’t be spending time getting to know him.  Hmmm… what to say.  It’s kind of funny because there is an inside joke a freind of mine and I have with Ben from www.regrettablemusic.com where the word potential is synonymous with the word…um.. feces.  My friend Becky will frequently say “you are full of prunes” when someone is saying something ridiculous instead of saying “you are full of …poop.”  Ben heard her say that and laughed and asked for an explaination.  If a person is full of prunes, something that keeps you regular, than that person is full of potential…poop.  So Ben decided that he would use that…say that something is full of potential instead of full of crap.  And he did recently on the previously mentioned site.  I don’t think my relationship with this guy…shall we call him…”John,” is full of crap when I say potential.  I mean it literally.  Potential according to Websters is: existing in possibility : capable of development into actuality.  What this means is that John is flipping awesome.  At least so far.

I am a unique woman, have a lot of very specific needs and wants when it comes to romance, that thing that often leads to choosing someone to spend a lifetime with.  I need someone with whom I can share my passions: God and love and spirituality, the arts, and understanding relationships and how people tick.  John is very spiritual without being obtuse.  He is kind, loving and strong.  He values communication and freedom and faithfulness.  He values purity and honesty.  He loves the arts, especially music, which I think is…um…for lack of better word…hot.  And most importantly, I am safe with him because he cares about me.  I know he thinks I am attractive, but beyond that, he is a true friend.  He not only can handle and appreciate who I am, it is meaningful and valuable to him.  We are just friends for now.  We haven’t been dating and we have been focusing on getting to know each other and building a friendship.  Honestly it is super surreal.  I can’t believe this is happening.  After being so single for so long, all of a sudden here is this amazing man showering me with so much goodness.  Only time will tell, but we are committed to doing things the right way, no matter where it all leads.  And we are building trust.

And so far, he’s a lot of fun.  Ahhhhh!!!!!!!  It kind of freaks me out a little, and it is hard to stop thinking about him and all that is happening.  I keep trying to be open to good advice and to realize that I don’t know it all.  But it is nice to put into practice a lot of the relationship skills I have been trying to learn over the years.  I am hoping that it is paying off.

Anyway, he’s a good man.  And you should be happy for me.  Or for him, depending on how you look at it.  I’ll update you if things get more serious.  But for now, it’s just new and fun.

To love and to have lost.  I had a recent experience.  Um, really recent, where I tried getting to know a guy who is unbelievable beyond compare in some key areas like I have never found.  We tried, decided it wouldn’t work, and now get to move on.  Love is so hard.  Finding “the one” takes time and hurt and false attempts before it is accomplished.  I am proud of how well we did.  No games, no lies, just the best we knew how.  I know I have what it takes to love someday.  I may need to grow, but I know I can love even in the midst of pain.  What a wonderful world.

I think the secret of a good blog is consistency plus variety.  But I could be wrong.

I don’t think it is fair that women have to offer sex to make a man want to come close.  What has happened to today’s society?  Why are women so desperate for love?  Why do men seem so shut down?  Why is the ability to connect and love on an intelectual and emotional and spiritual level so hard to do and why do we settle for just physical?  Why do we hide?  Why is there such an epidemic of lonliness?  Why are images celebrated and realities shamed?  Why do you have to fight and strive to appear to have it all together just to not be torn apart?  Why are people so harsh and mean to each other?  Why do they fight for success?  They think it will bring them love but in the end it only seeks to alienate them.  And the girl who slept with the guy?  An evening of feeling close only to realize it wasn’t real, it will not last.  And the emptiness is worse than before.  How can we change?  What is the right way to live?

And me.  How can I finally learn to connect?  To trust?  To love, to open up…to stop being afraid.  I’ve been hurt so many times it became normal.  But it isn’t.  How do I become someone alive?  How do I finally master giving and receiving love?

I love to watch the cars drive

After dark when the headlights glow

A river of light

Rushing ruby and white

Blending into the night as they go

The sky holds back secrets till morning

Like the curtain before the show

The pinpricks of light

Stars barely in sight

Announce there’s still one act to go

And I wait for something to happen

To remind me there’s more to my life

Than what I can see

Looking over the street

With the sounds and the blurs of the night

I’ve forgotten to drink enough water

And the moon’s not the touch of a hand

The simplest things

More than visions and dreams

Make life something I understand

I grasp for a moment of mystery

But the magic is caught in the day

When everything’s real

I can say how I feel

And you remind me I’m okay

Images of grandeur mislead me

And the day starts to set with the sun

Everything was right there

But I was too scared

To let you know what’s really going on

I don’t need the glamour of midnight

Or to heighten my sense of what’s real

I just need you near

And to know that you hear

When I tell you the way that I feel.

The world’s full of fools who love romance

But are too scared to show you their soul

I’m scared what you’ll do

If I let you see through

To the me that feels out of control

I look at the world full of wonder

Cause I’m too scared to see who I am

To not be alone

I’d have to be known

I want to but don’t know if I can

You’ve been a good friend in the day time

Whether or not I’m pretending I’m fine

I’d like you to know

All the love that I hold

And to finally let you see inside