writekaryn

It’s a beautiful spring day and I am inside.  The first day of spring actually.  It’s funny.  I’ve been feeling a little hard on myself.  I have been over eating and undersleeping…I feel like I should have my life more in order, and I am so hard on myself when I fail in these areas.  I so want to be flawless, to have a stunning body that I have nothing to be ashamed of, to be invincible, beyond criticism.  I want to be loved, and it is hard for me to love myself inspite of my imperfections, failures and struggles I am working on and growing in.  I want results fast, or I want to give up.  I don’t want to do the hard work of saying no to myself.  My thinking can get so negative.  And in between subtle or obvious attacks against myself, I take momentary pauses to encourage a friend.  He’s the son of someone close to me and has been going through a lot of hard stuff, a lot of personal failure from the past….he had a rough start and has had a tough time keeping it together.  But he is also absolutely amazing…talented, caring, intelligent…his heart has simply been wounded, and it is very hard for him to feel accepted by God.  I completely relate.  Next to him I look like I have it all together even though I deal with exactly the same things…just maybe not quite as much.  My times of praying for him and encouraging him get my mind off of myself and onto what I have to offer and it feels pretty good.  This is a big lesson for me…learning to not focus on the negative or to let my failure prevent me from expressing what is good.  Learning to love the imperfect me.  My boyfriend is excellent at not eating too much.  I get jealous of that.  I feel insecure like I have to live up to his standards.  I am grateful that we both don’t struggle with this area and that he is kind to me…my insecurities and feeling of expectation are my own, not because of anything he has done.  Sometimes I want to cry and curl up in a ball.  I feel so wounded inside when I am failing in this area.  I hate watching my tummy get bigger, and I hate thinking about when I used to be 125lbs when now I am 140.  I’m so scared no one will love me if I don’t have an impressive figure…sigh…John loves me for who I am.  But it is hard for me to not want to hide when I feel like a failure, hard for me to get my mind off of it…circling round my thoughts like vultures ready to pick me apart.  Ew, that was a nasty analogy.  At the same time I want to run to him because he is so safe and kind.  I wish my view of God were the same.  It is in part…but so often I hide from him, trying to be perfect, feeling a bit resentful when I believe that he has that kind of expectation of me.  Hah, I pray for my friend and tell him how accepted he is and can’t seem to do it for myself.  Maybe I’ll try anyway.  :)  Sigh, I need to get my perspective on straight..I am really a powerhouse and there is nothing I can’t do because of my tight connections with Jesus.  I am not repulsive or disgusting.  I am not rejected or a failure.  I am not controlled.  I am free.  I am loved and I am beautiful.  I need to hear that, I need to know that.  I am not trapped.